Why this Feminine Heart?

A Feminine Heart

I’ve been a Goddess worshipper most of my life. Having been raised in a Christian home this was, naturally, something I mostly kept to myself until closer to adulthood. Even as a child the fire and brimstone damning male entity of ‘God’ didn’t fully resonate w/ me. It just felt wrong. It felt to me that a loving ‘god’ would be more motherly, perhaps even grandmotherly. Then again, I’ve never felt fully male in many aspects, especially in my spirit. Female and Goddess wisdom just made a lot more sense. Even w/ the awareness of me that comes w/ such an acknowledgment, it's a part of me I've never truly understood fully. At my core, in my deepest manifestation of being, I have a very feminine heart.

The thing is though, I've always been perfectly ok w/ my cis-male identity; this has never been in question. While I do identify as pansexual and have always considered myself bi (and explored my sexuality thoroughly in my late teens) I’ve never thought of myself as ‘gay’; it just never resonated with me in the context of who I am. I have always been much more deeply attracted to the feminine form, especially the bigger girls, than that of any male I’ve ever even been remotely attracted to. 

Fat Bottomed Girls, Right?

So, no I’m not in any way trans-centric, and I have no interest in actually being female, I don’t resent my penis and, in fact, I like having one. Don't get me wrong, I'm highly sensitive to the needs of the LGBT+++ community and I honor the challenges we/they face daily.

PRIDE!

That said, w/ what is probably a little more transparency than I had intended…lol, the previous has been a bit of a digression from the point of this particular bit of bloggage.
My point herein was/is to actually make some deeper consideration of my emotional reality and my presence of mind in regard to pretty much everything. I have very deep feminine sensibilities. I like the ‘girly’ things; getting flowers, being doted over, cuddled, pampered, having my tears wiped away, kisses, long hugs, and being told I’m pretty; or handsome, in context. 

Guys Like Flowers Too

A Bit of A Flame... 😉

I’ve never been one of ‘the guys’ and I’ve never fit in w/the ‘good ol’ boys’. I’ve always related better to the girls/women w/in my circle of friends, and I am oh so envious of ‘girls’ night(s) out’ and the special solidarity women are able to have in groups. Yet, to my sincere chagrin, this is something, in which, I, as a cis-male, will never be welcomed to participate; especially since I present, mostly, as rather Het-normative when it comes down to brass. Don’t get me wrong, I can also be extremely effeminate, just ask anybody that knows me, I can be a bit of a flame at times. 

Let me try to explain what I mean by 'feminine heart'. From my cis-male POV, by way of cultural context, women (w/ an honorable nod toward fem-identifying individuals) tend to, stereotypically, have more off-the-cuff transparent emotions. They have deeper needs in regard to connection, touch, and affection, and tend to place more emphasis on loyalty. They, again I'm invoking the cultural stereotype here; also tend to display emotions more openly, and more authentically yet, I too cry during the heartfelt moments while watching movies, commercials, etc. just like the stereotype.

Even as a child, I related more deeply to songs like Helen Reddy's 'I Am Woman', and Sister Sledge's 'We Are Family' than to any of the more masculine belts. Even today, my favs tend to lean more towards Melissa Etheridge, Indigo Girls, and strong females such as Nina Simone. 

My general decorating style tends to be more lesbian chic than your typical bachelor pad, and my sensibilities tend to just be much more feminine in regard to my personal caring, nurturing style. 

I don't guess it's something I'll ever fully understand even if I do accept, acknowledge, and honor it as an intrinsic part of whom I am as a person. Laughably, even as I openly self-id as pansexual, I've been known to tell people "I'm a lesbian, trapped in a cis-male form, w/ strong bisexual tendencies", and, well, I'm OK w/ that.

I guess, if the truth be known, I'm really just a (girl) dragon at heart.

Oh, you're a girl dragon...