There is no old self to go back to.
There is only the new you to love and nurture.
We often hear it said (and you may have even said it yourself), I miss the person I used to be. I want to get back to that person, those ideals, and the more contented self I remember.
Bluntly stated: WE CAN’T GO BACK!
This lesson has been a hard one to accept.
I mean, don’t we all long for some version of ourselves that we thought was better, or more contented?
There was a time, not too long ago (around 2018), that I thought my spiritual journey had taken me to a place of calm, of contentment, of serenity, and personal solace.
In many ways, I was truly at peace w/ myself.
Or so I thought. I forgot that healing and becoming are ongoing processes.
As is often the case w/ emotional/spiritual transformation, we sometimes forget the emotional pain we endured to get to that place of contentment. We forget the darkness we had to go through to get to the lightness in our being. Facing all that Jungian darkness and shadow IS the healing that occurs when we’re continuously doing the work. We have to face the shadow of who we think we are or want to be.
We sometimes forget the causes of that pain and, well, w/ that forgetting, we can also put ourselves in the same simmering pot of hot water w/o even realizing it before it’s too late to mitigate the new damage from the same old sources. Ego leads us to believe we are 'healed' and we forget that healing is a continuing process.
So, thinking we are healed and can handle whatever gets thrown at us, we put ourselves in harm’s way w/o realizing that the person or situation that harmed us in the first place hasn't changed the harmful action(s) that brought on our painful emotions and trauma. When this occurs, we are oftentimes caught completely off guard, as if the painful, harmful actions of people or events that previously occurred have just been waiting in a dark alleyway, ready to pounce, and we get mugged all over again.
That pain can come as an absolute devastation to our spirit. It can bring back the same emotional wreckage that we thought we were healed from; and it's a long road back (or rather, TO) the contented spirit we had developed through the healing process we worked so diligently toward. It’s very important that we recognize the active daily work to maintain that contented spirit.
I had an occurrence like this happen to me a few years ago.
The person who caused so much of my emotional damage had presented themselves as an ally, as part of my support system. I had done (...again w/ the past tense) so much real work to get to the heart space I was at, only to find that the perpetrator of all that harm I had supposedly healed from was lying in wait until I was puffed up w/ ego, only to emotionally slap me right back to that abandoned little boy I had been attempting to nurture, and heal. For close to a week, I endured overlapping ridicule and harassment from someone I thought was in my corner of support. It’s amazing how a person can flip the script when they are on their own turf (…but that’s a different blog).
All the emotional work I had done felt as if it had been ripped away.
But why? I asked myself accusatory questions like, "How could I let this happen"? As if I had any control over once again being abused. My ego had convinced me to believe I was healed and could settle into the contentment I had euphorically immersed myself in. But, turns out, euphoria and elation are every bit as temporary as any other emotion, and to keep those emotions active, you have to keep doing the work and not allow yourself to become comfortably complacent.
Anyway, long story shortened, I had a severe back to the (…there’s that ‘going back’ thing again) drawing board moment. Sadly, this epiphany required a whole lot of mourning, complete w/ tears and snot throwing. It wasn’t simply a matter of grieving the self that I had orchestrated and designed in my supposed healed space. No, it also had to include something I hadn’t ever considered; I also had to grieve the emotions of abandonment and betrayal…again.
The truth be known, while this has required a huge amount of looking back, and dissemination of years of emotional and physical abuse, what it ultimately has required of me is a full on recognition that I can’t go back and fix any of it; including fixing myself w/ some futile attempt of getting back the solace I once felt (before I was reminded of the trauma w/ an extra dose of the same abuse I endured as a child).
Today (and maybe even ‘just for today’), this obsession w/ going back to better times, a better self-image, or a better past in general has become somewhat lost on me. Don’t get me wrong, I have a deeper level of nostalgia that I’m letting on, herein. But, I’m no longer trying to become any version of self that I ‘used to be’.
Yes, I still grieve that ego-driven space of contentment that I had used as escapism before someone shit in the fan and pointed it in my direction but, thankfully, my thoughts and actions are leaning much more towards the present and where I want to go on this emotional human journey than bemoaning what I once was.
It’s a much healthier, more genuine space to be in, and, well, the NEW ME appreciates it so much more.
Still working on it. It’s a daily reflection and recognition of the temporary nature of everything, including my emotions. It’s also a reminder of how quickly we can repeat our responses to trauma if we aren’t constantly doing maintenance.
REMEMBERING TO BREATHE THROUGH EVERY MOMENT…
