My Loneliness, My Pain...

It’s been a few years since I’ve written, especially on anything deeply personal.

Please bear w/ this aging dragon as this particular writing has been bouncing around in my head for several weeks, and I simply need to spill myself out on the page, or it could, sincerely, kill me (…and yes, that has been a recent thought). I’m hurting and tired of knowing that my pain could be alleviated simply by people ACTUALLY physically showing up, instead of making excuses and giving reasons as to why they won’t or can’t. Yes, my therapist knows of my pain and sadness.

Imagine for an instant, don my shoes (if you will), attempt for the briefest of moments to understand where I’m coming from when I reach out for connection so persistently. 

I’m trying to save a life…my own.

In the interest of providing deeper transparency…

I have C-PTSD w/ an infancy onset. 

Yes, you read that right. I have a professional DX of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that originated during my infancy. This DX comes w/ several levels of abandonment and neglect brought on by the latchkey culture of the 70s and 80s. Truth is, I likely should have been DX’s w/ Disinhibited Reactive Attachment Disorder during my childhood due to my insatiable need to connect w/ other people in some way. There’s a reason for this…

Anyway, please read on (this is an honest attempt to open up so people see me, before I close down completely).

I was born, prematurely (about a month early, 5lbs, 10oz) w/ a Negative RH factor. 

At 10 days old, after several invasive (I still have the scars to show for it) biopsies to determine WTF was wrong w/ me, and after finally coming home, I was returned to the hospital and exchange blood transfusions were introduced (the protocol in 1968 for Negative RH). 

Each transfusion set up an Acquired Respiratory Infection. 

I spent the next 4 months in an oxygen incubator box, unable to be touched by ungloved hands, unable to be coddled, cuddled, or held close against another human body. 

So much I could say about this portion of my origin story but, suffice to say, I was an extremely sickly infant and the possibility that I wouldn’t thrive was obvious. 

Thankfully, I did thrive, and I lived through my initial trauma but this doesn’t mean it wasn’t already onboard, or that it was the end of my emotional and physical trauma, sadly. 

The simplest discloser, w/o laying anymore details here, would be to say that the neglect and abuse I sustained was continuing and compounding throughout my childhood. I wouldn’t find out until my 40s that I was, in fact, unwanted and perceived as punishment (my mother’s perception, albeit unconscious) for my older sibling being adopted out; a sibling I didn’t even know about until my 40s.

All of this, and so much more (daily beatings from my adopted father, ridicule and neglect from he and my mother, etc.) has lead me into an adulthood that has included an incessant and intrinsic need for companionship and connection. I’m so very lonely and it has NOTHING to do w/ being an alleged incel. 

No, I don’t feel entitled to companionship, I’m not a misogynistic fuckhead, and I don’t have any self-loathing like those characterized by the label. 

Before all that, before life got especially fucked, we moved (I was barely 7) to a new house at the end of a cul-de-sac (read on, this will become relevant). 

By this point I had already been DX’ed w/ ‘Minimal Brain Dysfunction’ (the precursor to A.D.D). I was, as you could expect, unruly, anxious, unpredictable, had behavior issues, not ‘normal’ by any exaggeration or definition of the term. Suffice to say, no one, including my already exhausted and neglectful parents, really knew what to do w/ me; other than futile attempts and severe discipline and corporal punishment. Combine all of this w/ the fact that I had been taken away from the friends who had learned to accept my idiosyncratic behaviors, and, well, as you may imagine it only caused me to become more incorrigible. 

Back to the cul-de-sac…

Shortly after we first moved I remember standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac yelling for ‘friends’ to come play. Yeah, IK, odd behavior, nothing new for me. The friends didn’t come, not right away anyway. They didn’t know me, I was new, and I’m sure my odd behavior wasn’t at the top of their lists to make friends w/ me. It took a while for me to make new friends even w/ my yelling from the cul-de-sac. 

Yeah, IK, I’m still screaming out my need for friends and companionship 50 years later.

It didn’t really change as I got older. In fact, my weird behaviors got worse. 

Naturally, due to that fact, I become the butt of many an indignity, and ridicule. 

I was picked on, bullied, laughed at, called names (that oftentimes, unfortunately stuck), got in fights, exhibited socially unacceptable behavior in attempts to be more likeable…and so on. Growing up was hard (yeah IK it’s hard for everybody in some way), and, yeah, I probably brought a lot of it on myself but, the intrinsic need to have close friends and people who loved me for me (despite my overall weirdness) kind of dictated more weirdness. 

Jump forward to the present…

3 marriages, divorced in all three. A few long(er) term relationships that also ended irreconcilably and I’m left w/ almost a decade of lacking in real, honest, loving friendships and companionships. 

I have no real connections that spend any type of real time w/ me. 

I have one friend….ONE! 

Yeah, IK, many of you think of me as a friend. 

But, do you actually spend any time w/ me? 

Do we go and do things together? 

Do we make plans, even plans we know we won’t follow through w/? 

Do any of you even know what kind of coffee I drink? 

Do any of you know what my dreams are?

Mostly, that answer is a resounding, NO!

Simply put, we aren’t friends. We’re acquaintances. 

People! I am dying here. 

This is not an exaggeration, or a platitude. My soul is literally decaying under the weight of my loneliness; Emily Dickinson be damned. 

I cannot fix this w/ self love. I love myself just fine. I am way too extremely self aware to allow any temporary emotional discomfort to dictate actions that will end me but god damned if I don’t fully understand why lonely people commit suicide. 

The thought, for myself, isn’t that far from the edge of my brain. 

Thankfully, it’s ONLY a thought…for now.

Every single fucking day that goes by we hear and see that we are supposed to reach out when we are feeling low; that when we reach out people will supposedly reach back. Sadly, for as long now as I have been reaching out (years now) I’d have to call bullshit on the whole ‘people will reach back’ portion of this. No one reaches back to me, so I’m left w/ thoughts of ‘what’s the fucking point?’.

There are many days that the ONLY reason I carry on is to save my son from the pain of a father who left before his time. Some of you will understand this.

I NEED FRIENDS Y’ALL. 

I need companions to bear witness to my life, and I want to be part of yours too. 

This is a REAL NEED. I’m really not just a pathetic loner, not by any choice anyway.

Maybe you see me better now, or maybe you’re still better w/ your blindfold, or your rose colored glasses. Maybe it won’t be me you reach back to but, please, if you see someone hurting, sad, or lonely, PLEASE reach to them if they reach out, and even if they don’t…before you can’t.

By Request Drumming As It Applies To ASD

The following was my English 112 APA Final which has been recently requested by several Master's level academics to be considered for use in their own papers. It is my sincere hope that you find it to be useful information for your future degrees. The paper was originally written in May 2013 so my apologies for any citations that are outdated.  Naturally, if any of my premise is used in your work please cite me as able. Also, as a matter of personal pride, I received an A+ grade for the paper and in the class. 

NOTE: This is my work and should be considered a reference point and is not available for redistribution. Thank You.

 

Drumming Therapy:

Recognizing the Therapeutic Benefits of Drumming

For Children and Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder

           

 

Chris Hansen

8 May 2013

ENG 112

APA Topic Paper

 

Abstract

 

Music therapy, in particular drumming therapy, has begun to see a heightened level of acceptance as an established and effective therapeutic treatment for a myriad of physical and psychological disorders. In recent years, drumming therapy has received recognition as an effective treatment for persons diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Aspergers Syndrome, and other pervasive developmental disorders as presented in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR, 2000) definition for ASD (ASD. 2012). As a therapeutic exercise for Autistic individuals on a regular basis drumming therapy has the potential to increase communication between children and adults with the disorder with not only their families but also with the greater society as a whole.

In an attempt to understand the benefits of drumming as a respectable treatment modality it is important to address certain questions:

·       How is music therapy useful in regard to the treatment of persons with mental and developmental disabilities such as those associated with ASD?

·       How is drumming therapy useful to persons with an ASD diagnosis?

·       What is the connection between the healing benefits of drumming therapy and the use of the drum in indigenous tribal customs worldwide?

·       Can drumming therapy be used as a treatment to strengthen cognitive development as it applies to persons with ASD?

 

How is music therapy useful in regard to the treatment of persons with mental and developmental disabilities such as those associated with ASD?

 

According to Aldridge (1994), music has a profound effect on mentally handicapped individuals with numerous benefits including: “the arousal of sensory processes” and contributing to memory recall. In addition, the use of music therapy on behalf of children with multiple disabilities, such as ASD and related disorders, provides much-needed sensory stimulation in a safe, fun, enjoyable environment that allows the ASD diagnosed individual to engage in the activity on there own terms. It is also noteworthy to state that music needs no scientific analysis to be used immediately as a valid therapeutic treatment (Aldridge 1994).

Music alone helps to increase self awareness and feelings of adequacy in most people. It can even lighten stress and has been proven to lower blood pressure (Chafin, Roy, Gerin & Christenfeld 2004).

As a therapeutic method music therapy can also be used to promote those same feelings of adequacy in groups. Drumming therapy, one of many different treatment modalities of music therapy, reduces tension, eases anxiety and stress, promotes social interaction, and according to Drake (2009) “drumming therapy also provides a sense of connectedness with others” and increases interpersonal interaction which tends to be an obstacle for most individuals affected by ASD.

How is drumming therapy useful to persons with an ASD diagnosis?

 

Specific to ASD and related disorders, music and drumming therapy is less intrusive than direct human interaction therapies. Drumming therapy is non-threatening and allows the individual with ASD to engage in a very personal activity and in the same moment introduces a way for the same person to engage with another individual (or several people) indirectly. This indirect engagement in turn endorses a secondary opportunity to promote direct communication with the other individuals participating due to the fact they are drumming together and as a result have something immediately in common. The commonality of drumming therapy as a group activity promotes a camaraderie in all people not only the individual with ASD.

 

According to Teresa Hansen (Personal Communication, 2013), a long time drummer, mother and wife to individuals with ASD, and a former Direct Support Associate in a group home setting for dual-diagnosed individuals with ASD and other disabilities; “One of the activities we encouraged most…was with percussion instruments, drums, shakers, etc. The residents enjoyed this activity resulting in less negative behaviors and cooperation between the residents like no other activity would do.”

 

What is the connection between the healing benefits of drumming therapy

and the use of the drum in indigenous tribal customs worldwide?

 

According to Drake (2009):

 

Drum therapy is an ancient approach that uses rhythm to promote healing and self-expression. From the shamans of Mongolia to the Minianka healers of West Africa, therapeutic rhythm techniques have been used for thousands of years to create and maintain physical, mental, and spiritual health. Current research is now verifying the therapeutic effects of ancient rhythm techniques.

 

Drumming therapy, as a long accepted music therapy and as well as an ancient community driven healing practice, has the much needed attributes to bring the individual into the forefront and strengthens the personal interest in being a part of more than just ones self. This remains extremely important in regard to individuals with ASD to increase communication opportunities. While it is certain that the Autism Spectrum has many different characteristics and not every individual with the disorder possess all of these, one of the more evident and relatively common features is the tendency for the individual to isolate. Drumming therapy can counteract this tendency and can also promote an increased interest in future group activities including drumming therapy itself. The increase in self-esteem and self-awareness that goes hand-in-hand with drumming can produce several positive side effects. The individual may become more interested in the drumming therapy activity due to the sheer enjoyment of the action of drumming.  As Hansen (Personal Communication, 2013) states: “…it’s (drumming) an energy that feels good its happiness communicating with the people around you. I've never seen anyone sad in a drum circle…everyone is in harmony with the people around them creating something beautiful and that makes everybody feel good”. This “feel good” emotional intensity and heightened awareness that comes along with the feeling of elation that drumming initiates is perhaps one of the most common similarities between therapeutic drumming and indigenous drumming in native villages worldwide.

 

Can drumming therapy be used as a treatment to strengthen

cognitive development as it applies to persons with ASD?

 

As previously noted ASD often exhibits as an anxiety disorder especially in regard to socializing with others. ASD often demonstrates in social settings as behaviors that seem odd, intrusive, and are often misinterpreted by individuals that do not have ASD which in turn tends to ostracize those that do have ASD. One approach that seems to provide some recognizable positive result toward a decrease in inappropriate behavior is drumming therapy. The reason is simple; drumming helps with increase attention and impulse control, and strengthens decision-making skills (Moore.2011). Drumming not only helps with cognitive skills it also has positive attributes in regard to socialization. Drumming usually occurs in a group setting and individuals within the group play together; sometimes in a full on musical jam, sometimes following a leader. This working together and follow the leader type dynamic reinforces social skills such as taking turns and being part of a group.

 

 

 

Conclusion

 

            Drumming therapy, and as well music therapy in general, is an extremely useful technique which can have, and has been proven to have, many beneficial characteristics ranging from treatment for ASD and other similar disorders to personal edification to group drumming toward healing. Drumming spans the globe and has been part of every culture known to man and has been made use of in similar ways within each of the cultures known. Is it any surprise that drumming therapy has found its way out of the ancient tribal customs and in to our modern day use? The use of drumming as a therapeutic treatment with individuals with ASD is somewhat young however the modality is being recognized and recommended throughout the therapeutic and medical professions. As this type of music therapy begins to become more main stream and the healing effects of drumming are felt across the cultural divides we may eventually begin to see a strengthening of spiritual camaraderie as well.

 

 

Works Cited

 

Chafin, S., Roy, M., Gerin, W. and Christenfeld, N. (2004), Music can facilitate blood pressure recovery from stress. British Journal of Health Psychology, 9: 393–403. doi: 10.1348/1359107041557020.

Data suggests that listening to music may serve to improve cardiovascular recovery from stress.

Aldridge, D. (1994). An overview of music therapy research. In Music Therapy World. Retrieved May 8, 2013, from Google.

Music therapy for adults and children is of vital importance in the hospital atmosphere and with children with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (2012). In Queensland Department of Education, Training and Employment . Retrieved May 8, 2013, from Google.

Provides an umbrella definition for Autism Spectrum Disorder

Drake, M. (2010). Drum Therapy. In Shamanic drumming. Retrieved May 8, 2013, from Google.

Drum Therapy ~ Reduces tension, anxiety, and stress/ Helps control chronic pain/ Boosts the immune system/ Produces deeper self-awareness/ Creates a sense of connectedness with self and others/ Provides a medium for individual self-realization

Moore, K. S. (2011). Drumming for Development: How Drumming Helps Children with Special Needs. In Psychology Today . Retrieved May 8, 2013, from Google.

Using drums for a child's social, emotional, motor, and cognitive development

 

 

 Interview

 

Most research in regard to Drumming and Music therapy does not present personal accounts from family members and caregivers. The following interview gives a more in depth detail of the personal point of view from an individual with family members with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). As well this individual also has some experience in a semi-professional role as a caregiver for Autism clients with dual-diagnosis.

 

The following interview is in regard to the paper: Drumming Therapy: Recognizing the Therapeutic Benefits of Drumming For Children and Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder presented May 8 2013. This is a personal interview with Mrs. Teresa Hansen, and avid drummer, wife of someone with Aspergers, and the mother of a 4 year old son with ASD.

Q. How long have you been drumming?

A. My first exposure to djembe and hand drumming was given by Circe Santaniello at a workshop in Boone North Carolina in the spring of 2004.

Q. What is a djembe?

A. A djembe is an African drum made of wood with a goatskin head, they come in    many sizes; the larger the drum the deeper the tone.

Q. What is the traditional use of the djembe drum?

A. African villagers use them during ceremonies; religious or rites of passage (marriage, death, birth), or healing to draw the spirits or to put the village in unison toward a desired goal.

Q. You stated that the drum was used to unite the villagers toward a goal or  purpose, have you ever witnessed drumming as a unifying practice?

A. Yes, I have seen people meet in drum circles from very different walks of life and become lifetime friends from the unity and camaraderie that they felt in the drum circle. In a drum circle everyone is collaborating with their own beat resulting in music that lifts the spirit.

Q. What do you mean by “lifts the spirit”?

A. For some it’s a trance, it’s an energy that feels good its happiness communicating with the people around you. I've never seen anyone sad in a drum circle. For that space and time everyone is in harmony with the people around them creating something beautiful and that makes everybody feel good.

Q. What do you yourself get out of drumming that is therapeutic for you specifically?

A. I am an introvert and I am extremely shy. I lose that shyness when drumming with a group. I’m not just in the back observing I’m upfront w/ everyone. I realize that without me the music would be different I have a reason to be there.

Q. Considering your husband and your son, who are both individuals with different levels of ASD. What have you witnessed that shows evidence of the therapeutic benefits of drumming where they are concerned?

A. For my son (4 years old with ASD) it is the only group activity that he will consistently join and he participates with the others. Drum rhythms are also calming for him the     music puts him in a good mood which allows for better communication and less melt downs (tantrums). For my husband, it increases focus. It (drumming) is one of the few things he can do for extended periods of time and stay interested. It gives (him) a chance for nonverbal communication and acceptance (of him) by a group of others. It gives him a wonderful feeling of accomplishment (IE feeling good about himself) at the end of a long energetic drumming session. That is a huge benefit for him on a therapeutic level.

Q. You mention therapeutic benefit; do you have some experience working with mentally challenged and developmentally delayed individuals that would allow you a semi-professional understanding of such benefit?

A. Yes, I worked for 7 years as a Direct Support Associate at a group home for wheelchair bound adults who also had Mental Retardation, Mental Illness, and/or Developmental Delay diagnosis. During that time I worked with 4 men with ASD and also worked for 6 month in home with an adolescent male with ASD.

Q. While working with this population did you ever have an opportunity to see first hand the benefits of music, rhythm, or drumming therapy as it affected them?

A. Yes, in the group home several of the residents had behavior and reward protocols that included preferred music therefore being therapeutic use of music. One of the activities we encouraged most in common living areas was with percussion instruments, drums, shakers, etc. The residents enjoyed this activity resulting in less negative behaviors and cooperation between the residents like no other activity would do.

Q. Would you recommend drumming or music/rhythm therapy to other families with    ASD characteristics and as well would you recommend this modality to other group homes that specialize in the population you worked with...and why?

A. Quite frankly I would recommend drumming to anybody. The collaboration fosters camaraderie the feeling of being a part of something and sense of pride in the music that is crated. The rhythm soothes but also builds energy at the same time. I would definitely recommend it to group homes even with physical challenges like cerebral palsy, partial paralysis muscular atrophy. Just about anybody can bang on a drum. It is doubly therapeutic for people with physical challenges by encouraging them to move when they    normally wouldn't. Everybody gets something good out of being part of a drum circle.

 

Change, It's Still Inevitable

Just some prose in context to the title tonight.

Nothing More...Nothing Less. Love You All. 💗

Have You Ever Sat

and Simply Witnessed

the Day Fade Into Night

or the Night Become the Day?

 

The Gradual Changes

of Subtle Hues, or the

Awesome and Glorious Views?

 

It Happens Every Day,

In Such an Inevitable Way.

You Can't Control It

So You Don't Even Try,

Even If It Brings a Tear To Your Eye.

 

The Same Is True of Everything.

Day Fades to Night,

Night Gives Way to Day.

 

Everything Changes.

Whether We Like It or Not.

It's Our Perspective

That Tends to Gets Us Caught.

 

We Either Get Caught Up by the Moment

and Celebrate or...

We Get Caught Up in the Moment 

and Hyperventilate.

 

It's All in How We Tilt Our Heads,

All In How We View It.

 

Do We Fight Against the Coming Light,

or Run From the Imposing Darkness...

Or Do We Simply Witness the Inevitable Change

and Pause To See Its Greatness.

 

~C 6/5/2022

Why this Feminine Heart?

A Feminine Heart

I’ve been a Goddess worshipper most of my life. Having been raised in a Christian home this was, naturally, something I mostly kept to myself until closer to adulthood. Even as a child the fire and brimstone damning male entity of ‘God’ didn’t fully resonate w/ me. It just felt wrong. It felt to me that a loving ‘god’ would be more motherly, perhaps even grandmotherly. Then again, I’ve never felt fully male in many aspects, especially in my spirit. Female and Goddess wisdom just made a lot more sense. Even w/ the awareness of me that comes w/ such an acknowledgment, it's a part of me I've never truly understood fully. At my core, in my deepest manifestation of being, I have a very feminine heart.

The thing is though, I've always been perfectly ok w/ my cis-male identity; this has never been in question. While I do identify as pansexual and have always considered myself bi (and explored my sexuality thoroughly in my late teens) I’ve never thought of myself as ‘gay’; it just never resonated with me in the context of who I am. I have always been much more deeply attracted to the feminine form, especially the bigger girls, than that of any male I’ve ever even been remotely attracted to. 

Fat Bottomed Girls, Right?

So, no I’m not in any way trans-centric, and I have no interest in actually being female, I don’t resent my penis and, in fact, I like having one. Don't get me wrong, I'm highly sensitive to the needs of the LGBT+++ community and I honor the challenges we/they face daily.

PRIDE!

That said, w/ what is probably a little more transparency than I had intended…lol, the previous has been a bit of a digression from the point of this particular bit of bloggage.
My point herein was/is to actually make some deeper consideration of my emotional reality and my presence of mind in regard to pretty much everything. I have very deep feminine sensibilities. I like the ‘girly’ things; getting flowers, being doted over, cuddled, pampered, having my tears wiped away, kisses, long hugs, and being told I’m pretty; or handsome, in context. 

Guys Like Flowers Too

A Bit of A Flame... 😉

I’ve never been one of ‘the guys’ and I’ve never fit in w/the ‘good ol’ boys’. I’ve always related better to the girls/women w/in my circle of friends, and I am oh so envious of ‘girls’ night(s) out’ and the special solidarity women are able to have in groups. Yet, to my sincere chagrin, this is something, in which, I, as a cis-male, will never be welcomed to participate; especially since I present, mostly, as rather Het-normative when it comes down to brass. Don’t get me wrong, I can also be extremely effeminate, just ask anybody that knows me, I can be a bit of a flame at times. 

Let me try to explain what I mean by 'feminine heart'. From my cis-male POV, by way of cultural context, women (w/ an honorable nod toward fem-identifying individuals) tend to, stereotypically, have more off-the-cuff transparent emotions. They have deeper needs in regard to connection, touch, and affection, and tend to place more emphasis on loyalty. They, again I'm invoking the cultural stereotype here; also tend to display emotions more openly, and more authentically yet, I too cry during the heartfelt moments while watching movies, commercials, etc. just like the stereotype.

Even as a child, I related more deeply to songs like Helen Reddy's 'I Am Woman', and Sister Sledge's 'We Are Family' than to any of the more masculine belts. Even today, my favs tend to lean more towards Melissa Etheridge, Indigo Girls, and strong females such as Nina Simone. 

My general decorating style tends to be more lesbian chic than your typical bachelor pad, and my sensibilities tend to just be much more feminine in regard to my personal caring, nurturing style. 

I don't guess it's something I'll ever fully understand even if I do accept, acknowledge, and honor it as an intrinsic part of whom I am as a person. Laughably, even as I openly self-id as pansexual, I've been known to tell people "I'm a lesbian, trapped in a cis-male form, w/ strong bisexual tendencies", and, well, I'm OK w/ that.

I guess, if the truth be known, I'm really just a (girl) dragon at heart.

Oh, you're a girl dragon...