"Unwell"

Unwell ~ Matchbox 20

"Have I Gone Mad?"

Allow me to begin by stating this bit of bloggage IS NOT the equivalent of a rewind of my recent ♫What'sUp?♫ posting that asked the Carroll-ian "Have I Gone Mad?".

No, this blog is a touch more realist.

Herein, I shall not only display my demons (well not entirely, can’t give away all my secrets) but will also give you the reader a bit of a map as to just how “Unwell” I actually am. 

My reason for divulging such info publicly is quite simple…purging some of the aforementioned demons and dragging those bitches out into the light so as to give those that care some real understanding of who I am and as well to continue my healing in the process. So strap yourselves in and raise those hands because I can already hear the tell-tale tick-tick-tick of the roller coaster as it approaches the summit.

Weeeeeeee....NOT!

Down We Go…Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!

My life has been quite the roller coaster, w/ way too many loopty loops, ups and downs, and sudden plunges. Sincerely, I’ve spent a good portion of my life w/ a WTF on my face and a huge question mark hanging over my head; all the while through much of it w/ my hands above my head and on some level actually enjoying the ride. I’ve never quite been what you would call “normal” and in all honesty have almost always pushed the limits of what society considers sanity.

Over the last few years I’ve been on a serious journey to figure out the cause of all the odd, neurotic behavior which plagues me and those I let in close. I thought I’d found the culprit just over 4 years ago (shortly after my youngest's preliminary diagnosed); Autism/Aspergers. 

Everyone that is close to me (or has been close to me at some point) over the last few years has heard me discuss ASD openly and has also heard me refer to myself as an Aspie. Heck I even blogged about it last year, ASD...me and mine. I still feel that much of what I have dealt w/ in my life is somehow linked to that unofficial dx. Yes, I do still believe I am an Aspie. The reality though is that I do not fall w/in the accepted clinical criteria for ASD/Aspergers closely enough to actually be diagnosed w/ that particular malaise. Still even in this, I am the oddball. I have however very recently, and finally (and gratefully), been ran through the proverbial rat maze to find out just what it is that I have been struggling with my entire life.

Maze made @ mazegenerator.net

Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder ADHD…ME

So much of this will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me personally however, as I go on you will undoubtedly note that my malaise is a bit more convoluted than simply, I can’t pay attention (SQUIRREL!!!!!) and I’m hyperactive.

ROCK ON!!!!

Fact Is I Have Suffered (Yes, Suffered) w/ ADHD All My Life 

Initially, I was first diagnosed prior to kindergarten w/ the precursor to Attention Deficit Disorder, Minimal Brain Dysfunction, and as well diagnosed w/ Soft Neurological Features. You can only imagine what kind of challenges I faced w/ this particular labeling. I don’t really have any appreciation for labels that single people out in a negative way (which likely stems from my origins) yet, I do tend to crave labels which positively paint unique and beautiful pictures (I digress, that’s a whole different bit of bloggage). 

While we (my family and I) had some understanding of what ADD (the H came later) was we sincerely didn’t understand it fully until very recently. We knew I had some challenges all through my life ranging from issues w/ direct interactions w/ my peers and all my random oddness to aggressive and addictive tendencies and the list goes on into substantial further detail. (Some light reading if interested…9 pages worth of all about Chris and my newly revised dx). 

Suffice to say that all through my life it has been a challenge on all levels to act as if I was somehow socially acceptable; always failing to act the part by significant margins. I have always alienated people and never really gotten along w/ anyone for extended periods of time. This has plagued my relationships, friendships, work relations (especially) and so many more aspects of my life in regard to direct dealings w/ society at large. I’m not very comfortable around most people; I play the act really well don’t I?

Yeah, I know even my closest
friends will argue w/ this.

Truth Is, I’m Actually Quite Shy and Insecure.

I’m awkward and sensitive and I really don’t know a lot of the right ways to act. Ok, actually that’s not completely true; I’m aware of the right ways to act. The challenge for me is that instinct takes over and before I realize it I’m once again in the middle of some sort of faux pas. Heck, even when put in a position to be expected to act appropriately I tend to over do it…it’s been said “He’s trying too hard”.

Anyway...Back On Point

One of the main reasons I took a break from FB again recently was to attempt to reevaluate my mental state. As you may imagine going through the maze expecting to find cheese and instead finding something completely different (or rather the same old cheese w/ a new wrapper) was somewhat devastating and well...a bit disconcerting. Finding out, after several years of searching for answers, the cheese I was chasing wasn’t Autism but instead a newly revised dx of my already rampant ADHD was not an easy thing to wrap my head around.

My New Diagnosis

For years, like I said since the earliest moments in my childhood, we knew I had ADHD. I have been officially re-diagnosed (including a dx of Adult ADHD) on numerous occasions w/ the levels of said ADHD being redefined and re-attributed to my challenges yet, never to the extreme as was presented to us just over a month ago. My newly revised dx is (by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition): DSM-5 DIAGNOSIS: 314.01 Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – Combined Type, Severe. I have attempted to break that down in a way that others may understand it better. The following is how I have shared this w/ close friends:

So I have a new dx. 

It's not Autism after all. 

Seems all my troubles throughout my life have been directly related to my ADHD and the newly revised/defined dx is: ADHD Combined Type Severe with Executive Function Deficit

Executive Function is the portion of the brain that works through the finer details. What that means is that I have difficulties with:

Mental Set Shifting (meaning I loop, this can be especially bad during arguments and/or debates)

Inhibiting Automatic Response (instinct takes control rather than thinking things through)

Naturally it also effects emotional and behavioral outbursts and as well self monitoring such as how close I can talk to someone, weird idiosyncratic behaviors etc.

Needless To Say...

I have been “unwell” most of my life yet, thankfully due to my recent strides in my spiritual walk, I have been able to maintain, w/ some level of grace, my mental stability on a level that is somewhat more acceptable. However, I do still have some very hard moments. I have become more mindful of those moments though and honestly, as the song says, “stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me”. I have come to an understanding that I really am NOT crazy but, I damned sure have my crazy moments and my demons.

Demons ~ Imagine Dragons

It has been very important for my sanity to embrace and make friends w/ my demons/monsters. I have to constantly and mindfully recognize them for what they are and work diligently to simply see them as parts of me that make up the whole that several people have actually come to love. The only way I’ve been able to do this has been to BE real about me as often as possible and to not just be real w/ you but to also BE real w/ me; that’s actually the more important factor.

So I leave you w/ a recent meme created by a friend that I actively mentor...

Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

It hasn’t been an easy one to write but it has been extremely cathartic. 

As my mother posts often anymore…Lets Talk About Mental Health. 

I hope this blog has been helpful on your personal journey and as well on your journey to get to know how this dragon breathes.

As I Live and Breathe...Namaste!