ASD...me and mine.

I want to share a moment with all of you and help you to maybe understand a lil more about me as I sit here writing (and re-reading) through tears.

The reason is likely the most simple yet rather complicated emotional whirlwind that is me.

I HAVE ASPERGERS! 

Aspergers is a “higher functioning” form of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) typically manifesting as misunderstandings and challenges in association with society at large and the “norms” that society dictates.

BTW...In case you didn't already know:

The bitch about my Aspies (an affectionate term  for Aspergers), because of my intelligence and my ability to hide it (or ACT normal) on some level is society views me as extremely “high functioning” and so the reality of my challenges, my different ways of thinking and being and seeing the world is often times overlooked because on most days, in most moments, I seem to function within the neurotypical pattern that society dictates…within the proverbial box if you will. 

This constant failure of society to notice my malaise has caused me great challenges over my life the least of which is a lack of definitive diagnosis and proper treatment because of the lack of an obvious pervasive “mental illness” that exhibits itself in some visual way.

So many moons ago… (back last September) I attempted to get a definitive diagnosis through our local fast food therapy provider (ya know the place folks go for therapy that isn’t a private practice) and long story short was handed the shaft and told  “we don’t diagnose Aspergers/ASD in adults; this is only a  childhood onset and diagnosis…I (the psychiatrist) do not believe that you have a pervasive disease that would limit your ability to function within societal norms”…needless to say my reaction was naturally one of “WTF?!?!?!” and I left feeling emotionally violated.

So fast forward to more recently,

I contacted the parent organization of our local therapy-in-a-box and made an “official” complaint, basically I told them they needed to make this right (in other words help me to get back in to private therapy and to get definitive diagnosis NOW) or my next step was/is to contact a lawyer with a malpractice claim. Thankfully they seem to be getting on the stick and working with me.

Fast forward to this morning and my reason for tears etc…..

I just got off the phone with the “Grievance/Incident Specialist” at the parent inc. for our local FF therapy and after an hour of discussing it with her, explaining my post traumatic stress over the emotional violation, explaining that I know that I at least need to be back in therapy, explaining how painful of a process this whole lifetime has been for me…she is getting me in touch with their community advocacy dept. and their job is to actually take me by the hand and walk me through (and back through) the process of getting back to therapy and working more directly toward definitive diagnosis of my Aspies. Yay!!! Maybe some relief and maybe some answers toward a positive outcome for my challenges FINALLY.

So I found myself watching my child after the call and holding him for a time as well. 
You see Torin, our youngest, has Autism too. 
I found myself telling Teresa “I hope that I will always see Torin’s ASD (specifically the way his exhibits) as a blessing for him and us”. At least with Torin he will always get some level of immediate acknowledgment of the fact that he is challenged in some way. At least with Torin there will always be some sort of recognition that he is differently abled. 

My tears are in appreciation of the fact that the Gods saw fit to allow him to have a pervasive disorder that is obvious however, they are also still to this day in mourning for my own life because of the fact that I had to go through life up til my late 30’s before anyone recognized my ASD. I look back and wonder how much easier  my life might have been, how much less pain, how much more opportunity I may have had if my ASD had been “lower functioning” like my sons.

I can’t help but be thankful for him and the way his ASD exhibits but in the same breath feel so (still do this day) emotionally violated by the system and a society that wishes to paint me into a neurotypical box…I just don’t fit into your box or your ideas of what I should be and hopefully NOW (and soon) I can find some closure on all the pain I have dealt with over it for so many years…

Only time will tell the tale...

As I Breathe,

~C