♫What's Up?♫

“Have I Gone Mad?"

There seems to be a particular constant in my writing and indeed within my life; a continuous questioning (mostly within my own head) of my sanity. It’s been with me as long as I can remember.

Yet, often times (too often more than likely…I kind of have a tendency of setting myself up) this has actually come from outside sources; not professional sources mind you but simply people that know me. 

All my “friends” (and many of my acquaintances and more likely most of them neither/nor) are very much aware that there are quirks about me that simply elicit the southernese response of “you ain’t quite right are ya?”.

I usually play it off, as do most folks that know and actually love me, as Chris just being a bit odd; and quite frankly, I can be.

However, most times in my life there has always been a bit of a whisper of questioning; of second guessing myself. No…not like voices or that kind of thing; just that constant self talk that we all do. The only thing is my self talk infers that I’m nuts instead of just telling me I’m bad or useless like most folks…and the fucked up thing is there are many times I simply cannot turn it off; that is I can’t seem to turn off the odd ways that I act sometimes.

“I’ve never claimed sanity, only insane people claim sanity so I don’t claim it” ~C

This has been my reply for years to people who jokingly tell me “you’re nuts” or “you’re so crazy” when I do or say something odd, off color, or peculiar. Yeah I get that a lot actually. Honestly though, each time I say it in the back of my head I hear, “are you?” Like I said already, it’s always been there. I’ve never really felt sane even when I’m in the pretty decent space mentally and spiritually that I have been lately. There’s still that part of me that keeps reminding me, “you ain’t quite…”. It can be somewhat nerve-racking to say the least and…very painful on an emotional level.

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” ~ C.G. Jung

Ya know there is a reason why crazy people get called “psycho”.  Carl Jung was (along w/ Freud  ) one of the fathers of psychoanalytic theory which by rough definition is simply the study of Psychopathology. Psychopathology quite literally translates (Greek origin: 'psyche' means "soul", 'pathos' is defined as "suffering", and '-ology' is "the study of") to the study of the suffering soul.

By my way of thinking (which as noted herein may not be the most sane level of thought processing but work w/ me here), I believe what Jung meant by this statement was to infer that the cure for sanity is thinking too damned much and psychoanalysis does just that; it makes you think. 

Thinking too much limits the solace of the quieted mind and can at times have a tendency to increase suffering before eventually relieving the same. In contrast, why do we (those of us that have) see therapists? Could it be simply to work through our levels of insanity (those of which we ALL likely have on some level) to strengthen our mental state? It would seem the point to the therapeutic method (of one-on-one processing of thoughts and actions w/ just about anybody, not just w/ a therapist) is to an eventual outcome of lessening all that suffering; to eventually learn to quiet the mind of all that extra chatter and unconstructive self talk.

As well many of us do have some healthy level of self talk too. That conversation that, when we really listen, tells us what kind of BS all that other chatter is attempting to talk us into. Yes there are times, I can damned well attest to this fact, that we all feel crazy as fuck. When we simply want to walk outside and ♫scream from the top of my lungs…What's going on?♫

"What's Up"

Linda Perry

“To recognize one's own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of 

healing and transcendence.”  ~ Eckhart Tolle

So, as I have continued to think on this over the last couple of days I have begun to come to terms w/ the fact that perhaps I am/am not crazy after all…(yes, you read that right…;) ). The other thing that comes to mind for me is one of the more Gumpian axioms:

This may actually apply to the craziness inside too. Crazy Is As Crazy Does might actually occasionally make sense too. 

The reality is that over the last few days what I have recognized is that I am actually attempting, for perhaps the first time in my life, to actually come to terms w/ my particular level of insanity/sanity (yeah you read that right too…lol) and within that it is perhaps an axiom that my healing on so many levels is actually beginning to come to fruition rather than the other way around.

Fact is you can’t actually go somewhere that you already happen to be.

(...or "wherever you go, there you are.)

Soul searching, often times deep introspection 

(or as it’s referred to in 12 step recovery 

programs 10th stepping; “continued 

to take personal inventory…”) 

is very much the key to a 

healthy mind…no matter how 

much craziness might 

clutter it.

So the reality of all of this introspection that I've been doing as of late is perhaps simply a matter of climbing back up out of Alice's rabbit hole and back into the light of some resemblance of sanity. Rather than staying down in the world of the Mad Hatter w/ all his Jabberwocky's, March Hares and Bloody Big Heads.

So, In closing of this particular bit of bloggage I’ll leave you w/ one more bit of 

Jung’s seminal philosophy:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart … Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. ~ Carl Jung

I continue to breathe and long may I continue to look inside the dragon. ~C