I Am Not...I Am

(This one is another one off the cuff)

I've been feeling very pushed to write today. 

I started to simply write an update (...redacted) but, as my thoughts progressed I realized I was going to be (per the usual) much more long winded.

As I sat here beginning this particular bit of bloggage (and haunting fb as I collected my thoughts) I noted a post by a dear friend that I've never met. We all have several of those in today's social media world that I'm certain would give the world for us and us for them; ya know those people we simply KNOW we would be fast and close w/ should the universe ever divine to truly cross our paths.

Her status was a short/sweet, 

"I am not...

Please complete this sentence."

LOL...oh boy. 

I actually started to comment on her post w/ what you will see below but, I honestly/respectfully didn't want to end up hijacking her thread.

Live Long And Prosper

In 1975 Leonard Nimoy autobiographically wrote "I Am Not Spock" wherein he went on about his struggles to incorporate the Spock character and as well still BE Nimoy. Unsurprisingly the title caught the Trek religious off guard as it suggested that he didn't like or appreciate what he had in Spock. It was actually quite to the contrary as he emphasized in his follow up (1995) "I Am Spock" wherein he stated clearly "I don’t hate the Vulcan. In fact, I’ve always been downright fond of him...".

It occurs to me that the Chris that most see isn't really who I am. The Chris I show to the world (or the Chris you perceive me to be) is actually much more liken to the Leonard that Nimoy portrayed through his Spock character; an actors role. In keeping w/ the analogy...I am not Chris but, I have become "downright fond of him".

Yet, when you consider the secondary portion of this analogy ("I am Spock"), w/ Nimoy's (after 20 years of soul searching) integration of his Spock character into who he really was then it could be said that indeed...I am Chris.

I've done my share of integration and soul searching over the last year+...probably close to 20 years worth in that short time and I've become so much more comfortable w/ who I am today yet, you can bet I'm no guru and I do still have my share of struggle and suffering.

Truth is, I don't show most of you the real me. I still wear my masks and still put up my walls; grandiosity, arrogance, and yes even a sprinkling of narcissism on occasion (but thankfully not so much of that and usually just a pinch).

So let me hang loose for a moment w/ my answer to my fb friend's query:

I am not...I am.

I am not who you think I am or what I show you.
I am so much more than the person you perceive me to be.

I am not who I show you.
I am a scared little boy who needs his hair tousled and a hug (from just about anyone) at least once a day to make it through my fears.

I am not strong, well adjusted, or confident.
I am still building myself to be the best me I can be and  getting stronger all the time but I often feel so weak, timid, and lost.

I am not an optimist.
I am actually a worrier and sometimes I get caught in it, thankfully I do have some strong skills now in place that help me to re-direct my mind to a more positive space.

I am not peace, love, and happiness.
I am a constant work in progress. I practice LOVE constantly to keep the anger, frustration, and rage   that hides beneath my skin at bay. My constant reminders to be grateful and daily mantras of self worth keep me in check and promote my happiness and peace to grow beyond all the hate that still wants to permeate. It is truly a  struggle at times...thankfully I do have those I can reach out too and gratefully when I do actually reach out most of the time they reach back.

I am ME...growing, learning, strengthening my spirit and mind. I am REAL, or at least learning to BE; teaching myself to BE more peaceful in myself and more comfortable w/ time spent by myself. I am not who you think I am....

I am grateful for so much in my life today, even though I live w/ so many fears that there are days when my anxiety just gets the best of me. I do however, even in those anxious moments attempt to live an Attitude of Gratitude.

That Att/Grat, as I stated earlier "promote(s) my happiness and peace" and keeps me moving in a positive frame of mind.

In closing for this bit of blog I'd like to share a beautiful moment of the universe/karma/divine giving back to me reward for my gratitude. 

Yesterday I harvested a bunch of tomatoes and as well my first couple of peppers from the very first garden I have ever planted. This garden has been an amazing and beautiful experience for me and I have learned so much and certainly enjoyed the Goddess' bounty and abundance. 

As I went to start slicing and dicing for dinner I cut the top off my very first green pepper to be presented w/ the following beautiful smile. 

What a unique and complete joy it was to be blessed in that way by my garden and by the universe for the gratitude I was showing and the action I have taken in my faith to improve my body/mind/spirit. That Attitude of Gratitude through all my storms actually does make such a positive difference in my life.

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”   ~ Kahlil Gibran

I AM NOT...GIVING UP!

This Dragon breathes LOVE in all of life's storms!