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| Recovery Is An Inside Job |
Recovering from...Just About Anything.
Many years ago I was rather deeply involved in 12 Step Recovery (due in part to drug addiction, addictive behaviors in general) and what I learned (well,
one of the myriad of tools/skills I adopted) from that time was/is how useful
the 12 step program is to all facets of life; not simply in regard to addiction
but also to any obstacle you need to overcome.
Seems the moment we can admit unmanageability and
powerlessness (as the 1st step, "We admitted that we were powerless over ______ and that our lives have become unmanageable" requires) in
regard to any particular people,
place, or thing (emotions, relationships, etc) it creates a paradox of equal
and often greater manageability of the circumstance.
“I Want What I Want When I Want It”
Fact is most people (yes likely, you the reader too) have an
unfortunate mind set of “I want what I want when I want it”. What this triggers
is the nature of the addictive/obsessive tendencies that rule most of our lives.
Releasing addictive and obsessive nature (and indeed the things we are addicted
to or obsessed w/) is one of the true keys to happiness; I’ll get back to that
momentarily.
I have jokingly come to call this mentality, Infantile Regressive Syndrome.
Unlike the definition you’d readily find on a search (as defined by Christine Louis de Canonville, which by her reckoning
seems to apply only to abusive narcissists)
my definition has more to do w/ the way each of us tend to regress back into
getting our immediate (or what we perceive as immediate) needs met just like an
infant would do; and the assumption that we are entitled to having those needs
met.
Allow me to explain more thoroughly (alas, I digress) and
then I’ll attempt to get back to my point.
I Want It...NOW!
When we first come into this particular plane of existence,
not unlike a little dictator, we whine, cry and demand for our needs to be met;
our food, our butts to be changed, or to be coddled in whatever way we want/need.
As a young child, if were lucky and we have responsible parental units, we readily
have all of those immediate needs met. We are given those needs freely and w/o
much of a second glance.
The problem that unfortunately occurs w/ a lot of children as they get older is a growing number of parents/caregivers either don’t know how to wean us off the proverbial tit or they simply stick it back in our mouths to get us to shut up so they can continue to have their own lives.
What this creates is that whole “want what I want when I want it” (and I want it…NOW!) mentality and the minute any of us doesn’t get our needs/obsessions and/or addictions covered most of us throw some sort of temper tantrum just like an infant or young child.
What seems
to have happened in our Western culture; as a likely and even more unfortunate
outcome of the ME Generation, is
many of us never grow out of this idea that someone else must (and will) meet
all our needs and this misconception creates regression to acting like an
infant.
Too many of us are sadly never able to accept the concept that we eventually have to fend for ourselves. It's the nature of every creature to eventually get kicked out of the proverbial nest. Yet, some of us never really take the time to fly on our own. Were too stuck on the idea that mama is gonna put worms in our mouths so we continue eat the (proverbial) worms that others feed to us.
We forget (REALITY = yes we were actually taught this at some point) that as we grow older all those needs and wants
must be met from within rather than by some outside influence; whatever that
influence may be (sex, drugs, people etc.). It sincerely isn't all that outside stuff; not drugs, not people, not things, not moments of emotional elation, and not the great experiences even. It's NONE of that stuff.
The key is not to fill the void w/ all that outside stuff. The key is to fill it up from within.
Which brings
me back around to my point (thank you for your indulgence if you’ve read this
far).
Over the
years I have often reverted back to using and practicing 12 step process to
work through obstacles in my life.
Back in September (2014), when I took my
initial break from FB, I made a decision to work a 4th step (“We made a
searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”). It had been over 20
years at that point since I had done my last one and this one was much more
intense. Seems to me the first time I did (note I didn’t say “worked”) a 4th step it wasn’t near as in depth.
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This time I
left no stone unturned.
I filled up
an entire notebook w/ absolutely every little detail I could come up w/ (everything from my resentments, to guilt, self pity, etc) in an honest and
searching attempt to find myself and BEcome something better. I actually worked
the inventory and it brought to light much of my emotional baggage and indeed helped
me to shed much of it too.
It was one of the most intense and
healing things I have ever done w/ my life and it was all about healing from
within instead of attempting to fill up the void left behind after and my
marriage ended; in truth after the addiction to my co-dependency came to a
abrupt halt and blew up in my face.
Indeed it was the release I needed from all that obsession
(and yes an addiction to that poisonous relationship) that I had been carrying
around as a proverbial “cross to bare” for way too many years.
It’s been
said that “we all must bare our burdens”.
Frankly, I
call BULLSHIT. We don’t have to carry the burdens, guilt, pain, and suffering
from our past. We are actually allowed to shed that shit and grow beyond it. I
have begun the growth beyond all that suffering (btw we are responsible for our
own suffering). Yes, (I admit it) there are still times when I allow myself to
get caught up again; still times when I give in and still cater to her needs,
still times when I allow myself to drink the Kool-Aid. Yet, I am making great
strides to BE more, to BE better, and to BE healthy again.
Aside from
the 1st and the 4th there are 2 other steps that I have considered
paramount to find true peace and recovery of ones heart and BEing; the 2nd and 3rd steps.
(Forgive me as I paraphrase herein in an effort to broaden the
spectrum of understanding to preclude a gender bias within the idea of “God”). Step 2 and 3 state:
“We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity” and “We made a decision to turn our lives over to
the care of that Divine presence as we understand it”.
Whatever you
happen to call it...IT doesn’t even need a name.
The key to
unlocking my heart has been to stay in constant contact (call it prayer,
conversation, acknowledgement…whatever works for you) w/ some greater spirit.
In my own
path I call that Divine nature/entity, Goddess. To me the term is all encompassing;
including m/f alike. I have also been known to use the term Universe which
again to me is an all encompassing term that relates to all things, all beings,
all everything. By my way of thinking ALL is definitely a “Power greater than”
myself. It’s simply a matter of recognizing something out there (actually more
like inside/within) that you KNOW has your best interest in mind...that you
KNOW is carrying you though no matter what the end result may be and as well mindfully
acknowledging that it will be ok when you get there.
It’s Not About the Destination, It’s About the Journey.
As RobertFrost mused in his poem The Road Not Taken:
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“…Two roads
diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the
one less traveled by,
And that has
made all the difference.”
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As young as
I still am (yes folks 46 is still young), I’ve traveled many different roads
in my life yet it seems I have always tended to prefer “the road not taken”.
I’ve never truly been one to go w/ the flow. No matter how hard I may actually
try at times in simply isn’t in my blood to be part of the pack, the rat race,
or (at times) even the team.
Sometimes
(and grant you this tends to be somewhat rare) I am able to at least play at it
temporarily but, it seems even then it’s never truly how the cards are stacked.
There was a time when I really did believe that the cards were stacked against
me (even sometimes now those poisonous thoughts occasionally creep in). Today
though, as I continue to practice some form of recovering healthy mental and
spiritual state, I recognize that the road less traveled is actually a much
more beautiful heart space for me to live in.
Today I try
very hard to not get caught up in that Infantile Regression and I stay mindful
(most of the time) of the obsessive and addictive tendencies that I still have
occasionally. So, when that stuff creeps up today I recognize it for what it is
and I take a step back, regroup and face it all head on with the knowledge
that…
The Dragon can be healthy and that I still breath…;)
The road not taken is always the best to take because it opens us up to new adventures that within itself, can help us learn more about ourselves. We never learn until we experience!
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