Random Thoughts on Present Malaise

Writing Day 1

1/1/2019

(Note: This is a new project; perhaps a resolution for 2019 on some level. I need to start writing more (especially considering I have 2 books in the works and would really like to make a bit of scratch w/ my “superpower”, as my therapist calls it. Getting into the habit of blogging daily may be the ticket to accomplishing just that. I realized when I was considering this “writing daily” personal goal that much of the writing herein would potentially be very random thoughts so, w/ that in mind; please bear w/ me as I attempt mastery of this new goal.)

Random Thoughts on Present Malaise

I’m having one of those stare out the window and get stuck kind of days.

You know, those moments when you just kind of blank out, you’re not staring at the grass or the trees; you’re not watching the birds or even contemplating the limitlessness of the universe.

No, you’re stuck IN the limitlessness, a blind fugue of quiet and disconnectedness.

This usually comes on when I don’t know how to feel, or when I’m sideswiped by something heavy and I’m lost over the depth of it.

THIS is my reality at the moment; in the moment I’m presently in.

That said, it may be that so much of my heaviness (this blank stare) is honestly overlap from this past year. I’ve certainly had some emotional whiplash and roller coasters to ride through in 2018.

2018 has been a year of introspective development, a lot of looking very deeply into who I am and whom I choose to be in the space of ME. For the most part, I like who I’m becoming yet, there are still parts of me that I’m not comfortable w/; some I may never truly be able to change to the level I’d prefer. Unfortunately, I’m simply not one of those folks who can just flip a switch and go into IDGAF mode. NO, I care too much about what people think and how they feel.

I suffer, quite deeply to be honest, from very heavy loneliness at times and also I have some early (infancy to be honest) ingrained abandonment/neglect issues.

While I know most of the trauma that leads to these challenges couldn’t have been helped (I was a very sick infant; and, being as it was the late 60’s, I was literally boxed in/isolated, w/o human touch for most of my recovery time, which was months) it still paints a picture of who I am that isn’t easily 'van Gogh'ed 😉

Vincent van Gogh was notorious for painting over previous works because of his impoverished state.

What I’ve had to learn to do, as a coping mechanism, is to recognize the impermanence of my pain. So, (thankfully) it (the emotional imbalance of it all) doesn’t catch/keep me like it once did because I know the depth of it will pass.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that there are actually moments when I don’t feel some level of loneliness; the truth is: I always feel it some (like I said it IS ingrained from infancy).

What truly has an effect though is the abandonment/neglect issues.

While these challenges still ultimately stem from infantile origins, just as the loneliness does, the feeling like some (any) one doesn’t care or doesn’t care enough to meet the needs I have eats me and causes me to start spiraling into a mental cascade effect that at times I simply cannot maintain.

I am getting better about the cascade though, again it’s a matter of recognizing the temporary nature of that beasty just as I do the loneliness depth. However, there are so many (way too many to be honest) times when the anguish w/in it simply overrides the mental acuity and I am unable, in those moments, to wrap my head around the emotions I’m feeling.

So, like I said, I’m having one of those stare out the window and get stuck kind of days; yet, maybe I'm really just looking inside.

Check out this little video, Contemplation is Important

Thanks for reading and feel free to send me some comfort/peace for my broken heart.