A New Break from FB (…and some catch up)

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Yes, I’m taking a break from FB again but I’ll get back to that…;)

It’s been awhile since I last blogged and WOW has my life changed. I actually think the changes have actually been good in retrospect however; it didn't always seem that way.

No not at all.  

The last I blogged (Sunday, April 13, 2014) my dad had just passed that morning and I was, little did I know at the time, on the edge of one hell of an emotional cliff that I (and indeed my lil family) was destined to fall off of; simply put we fell and we fell HARD.  

Not too long after Dad's passing Teresa and I spilt (May 2014).

Leaving out all the gory details, let's just simply say we couldn't/didn’t get along anymore, shit went down, she left, I was devastated, I begged, moaned, groaned, lamented, felt sorry for myself, begged some more, and hurt worse than I think I've ever hurt in my entire life. Truth is so has she but, that’s her story to tell and this is mine.

A lot of my behavior occurred (actually most of this occurred…just smh…I was a mess) on FB and I ended up taking my first break in September last year to attempt to get my shit together…but I’ll get back to that…;)

Ultimately, I was chastised (on some level rightfully so) by people I thought were friends and ended up w/ my very own personal scarlet letter and was shunned from my spiritual community (a community I might add was built at least in part by Teresa AND myself; funny how people can forget or dismiss connection in the face of the demise of relationships).  

Needless to say, my old life had ended and my new life was just beginning to surface. Unsurprisingly, I made a complete fool of myself railing against it, against the inevitable change of it all. 

Yet, during all that suffering, all that lack of acceptance, all that pain (and yes some heavy depression and thoughts of suicide) I knew of only one thing that could possibly get me through: my walk w/ God, my spiritual path. 

Now, right here it's important that I temporarily digress. I use the term "God" very loosely herein. To me god is not m/f, god is not a religious icon or monopolized by any one religion. God (whom in my personal path I refer to as Goddess) in this context, and for the sake of clarity, is the divine and loving presence that surrounds us all that we are all a part of that (when we listen) will guide us through every painful moment and will help us to relieve our suffering. So anyway an important digression that I will cover more thoroughly w/ future bloggage… ;).

So anyway…

All that faith that “God” would see me through and that I would indeed see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel (which as it turns out actually was an oncoming dragon…;) ) was only part of the bigger picture.

Here’s the thing though…

Anyone can have faith. Faith is as simple as believing in things that are presently unseen; and believe you me I definitely had a heavy dose of things unseen this past year. However, as the future manifests as things unseen, the question that remains in most people’s heads (even though most don’t recognize it directly) is:

How can I have faith for the future (the unseen/unknown) when I’m so afraid of the future based on the suffering from my past or even the present?

This alone can be a toughie.

All my suffering, every damned bit of it was/and is based on the fears that I manifested because of actions by myself and others in my past.

Note what that says: “fears that I manifested”.

Simply put, to manifest something means to create that something. 

So were my fears based in reality in the present moment?

No, not really.

My fears were based in all of the pain I was feeling from my loss of the relationship. My fears were based in once again being abandoned. My fears were based in so many things that had really not a whole lot to do w/ what was actually go on. My fears were based in the past and not in what could actually be positive about my future. Even so far as being afraid of losing my child; my fear there was based on having had to either leave or having been separated from my previous children and not in the present reality (at the time) w/ Torin, heck he was right by my side. Sure my pain was legitimate but I was making it worse by dwelling on the fear and the past rather than dwelling on the moment I was in.

Faith Without Works Is Dead

So therein is the key to faith. “Work” is an action. It is an active process. One doesn’t work by simply standing still. I had to take my faith that things were going to be ok down the road and take action by living in the moment of where I was and what I was dealing w/ rather than in all that other stuff.

Living in the moment is actually an action in itself.

The effort, and often times a lot of effort, that one must take on to live in the moment is one of mindfulness. Now yes, stillness is often required when being mindful of the moment we are in but, in that instance even stillness becomes actively participating in the mindful action of the moment. Ask anyone who is in suffering, in anguish, in pain that has practiced (another one of those working action terms) the mindful stillness of simply being in pain and in the moment of anguish and they will tell you it is indeed an alive and working moment of faith.

So this is how the process of my healing began and it continues even today.

When my anguish and my suffering began to get the best of me during those first few months after Teresa and I split the only way I was able to make it through the pain I was in was to practice mindfully stilling my space, coming into the moment, holding that moment and my heart in a compassionate embrace all my own and in that moment having faith that the pain would eventually decrease and the healing would begin. Each time I did this I felt my heart grow; I felt the love for myself returning and I felt a renewed sense of strength to go on to the next moment.

It is however, very important to remember to ♫ Stand in the place where you live♫

Stand ~ R.E.M

There were many moments when I just didn’t feel I could get to my feet; when all I could do was slump into the floor and wallow in self pity and just suffer through the crying and the enormous depth of sadness. In those particular moments, when I was finally able to come back to the actual moment I was in, it was very important to remember to just stand in that moment for a few minutes; to literally “stand in the place where (I) live”.

So back to today…

Today I have come through most of my sorrow and suffering and taken responsibility for that suffering. I no longer have to suffer in the midst of it and I make that choice on a daily basis and even sometimes multiple times through the day as needed. Yes, I still have some break downs. What I do w/ the break downs; those moments that jump up out of nowhere and remind me of the pain I’ve suffered, now is embrace the moment as if it were a friend teaching me a valuable lesson or helping me to cleanse some part of that pain that still must be recognized. When they come on I will literally stop, stand in the place where (I) live, BE in the moment and accept that it will pass quickly and let it flow through me and out of me. It usually doesn’t take that long and I always feel a bit cleaner and stronger afterwards.

Ok…now onto the NEW FB break…

I took my first break from FB back in September of last year. I had, like I said earlier, made a complete fool of myself, begging and wining and throwing snot all over FB and in turn ended up saying some nasty stuff in regard to Teresa. When I recognized the level I had stooped I realized it was time to regroup so I stepped away and did just that. I had already begun at that point working on much of my “illness” spiritually and mentally and was actually starting to recognize a lot of the changes I needed to make to be healthy again. But, as is the case w/ sorrow and suffering I had a bit of a relapse, puked out some more heavy emotional crap on FB and solidified the demise of my relationship. So I took that break and ended up doing some pretty decent maintenance by writing and reading and simply doing a ton of self help type stuff.

Well recently, and thankfully in a much better (perhaps the best I’ve ever been) mental and emotional frame of mind, I have recognized some patterns emerging that are somewhat directly related to my inexhaustible presence on FB (a problem in and of itself). Recognizing that I needed to step back again and yet, in a healthy frame of mind w/o all the suffering and angst that I had previously is somewhat of a joy for me. I am very grateful that I have actually gotten to the point that I am healthy enough to recognize the need for introspection and strengthening when it occurs now.

It is indeed a testament to how far I’ve come yet, it also speaks to how far I may still need to go. I’m in for the long haul (by choice) and ready to stand tall in the moment in whatever all that entails. I’m very much looking forward to really jumping into my blog this time…for really the first time…and sharing my spirit and my moments w/ you and indeed w/ myself.

Stay tuned…the dragonz fire is just now starting to truly come back to my spirit.

As I breathe…in and out…and in the moment… ;)